A journey through grief with autism.

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Tam & Mammy

October is here

It’s a week since Tams birthday and it has been a real tough week. Tam was sent home on his birthday from school. He was full of anxiety and was asking me to swap his birthday presents for mammy. Heartbreaking. The truth is I would give everything for him to have his mammy.

He came back from school all upset and got even more upset when I told him that he was not back at school for a while. Thats a 180 degree turn from getting angry when I told him he was going to school. Now he gets angry when he cannot go to school. Poor boy cannot win.

So right now it is 1:03am and I have just calmed down from Tam being really angry and aggressive for the past 2 hours. I have spent half of that time wrapped around him while he tried to scratch, bite and head butt me. Right now he is back in bed with his tablet sniffing and gently crying. He is finally on the way down, he has his kisses and a tight hug and I have wiped away his tears and now the calmness is returning to him. With a little bit of luck he will be asleep soon.

All of his anger seems to resolve around going to school and respite. All he wants to do is go to the shop and park with daddy. All the time he was fighting he was talking about no school and no respite. All the bites, scratches and head butts I have had tonight have been sandwiched between him asking “No School” and “No respite” and “go to park with daddy” and “go to shops with daddy”. I have given it a label of separation anxiety and it feels to be the right label. It does not make it easier but at least I can call it something.

Now just to place all of this into a little bit of clarity, when Tam gets to school he enjoys it, at respite Tam is full of giggles and has loads of fun. I have seen plenty of photos of him at both places and I see plenty of smiles and I can see from his posture he is relaxed. So its not fear of going to these places that is the problem. Its the transition and the thought of leaving me. I do my best to explain these things to him and sometimes it works. All I have right now is that Tam is off to respite tomorrow for a couple of nights. I have to transition him carefully and quickly tomorrow morning and hopefully he will be ok.

Tams birthday has really screwed him up again after making progress with his anxiety and pulling away from using drugs to help with his anxiety. It will probably takes a few weeks for him to calm down. Problem then is we will have christmas coming towards us at a very fast rate. That brings on a whole load more memories.

Poor kid cannot win.

Stay safe

Alan & Tam

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