A journey through grief with autism.

Alan Greenwell

3-Minute Read


Its been a while since I have posted anything to the blog.

The main reason being is that things have been very difficult. Christmas is bringing a lot of reaction from Tam that is at times difficult to deal with and heartbreaking. I have had to unplug the TV aerial because the christmas adverts are sending him into a spin. He rushes to to get the remote control when he realises that the adverts are coming on and stands all wound up and flapping his hands and as soon as a christmas advert appears he changes channel. The problem arises when he does not wait long enough to get back to the program he wants to watch. Then he starts to scream and attacks me. I switch the TV off and he rushes to switch it back on and it spirals out of control. So now the aerial is unplugged.

Over the next few weeks we have a lot going on and a lot of plans have had to be shelved. Christmas is going to be hard.

Tams outbursts at the moment are the worst. He goes into full on attack mode. He tries to scratch, bite, kick and bend fingers back. He does not do it out of malice for me, he does it because I am his constant and he wants me to fix it. The problem is that I don’t know how to fix it. I wish I had the smallest of inclining on how to fix this for him but I don’t. I would take it all from him if I could and carry the burden silently..

Over this weekend Tam has been very cuddly and quiet for Friday and Saturday. Sunday however has been a very different day. It has been full of Tam striking out. It has been to the extent that it is 4 am and I have not slept. I had to put him in bed and shut the door and sit outside until he fell asleep. He cried for ages and I cried quietly outside his room.

I was just about to write that he was still asleep, but he woke up and got mad because I had my jeans and sweatshirt on. It now after 5 am and he is somewhere approaching settled. I made the mistake of lying with him and out of nowhere he grabbed my hands and started bending fingers and scratching. Right now it is difficult to do the thing that is most important for Tam which is to keep him calm and get him to sleep. He has gone too many months with really poor sleep. I find it more settling to get him to sleep and quietly potter around and tidy up. Then sleep during the day.

Just before Tam got ready to go to school he gave me a really tight hug and asked not to go to school. He cried when I told him he had to go to school. He then wet and soiled himself twice. Two uniforms in the washing machine and its only Monday. That’s the first time ever he has asked to not go to school. Now I have something else to think and worry about.

Its now 9 am and Tam is off to school. I wish I could take the confusion and grief away from my boy.

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