A journey through grief with autism.

Alan Greenwell

2-Minute Read

Shoulder injury, missing Bev more every day, worrying about Tam going back to school, tiredness are all adding up to a real crappy time. I feel so down and low.

Tams smile is the only thing that lifts me out of this morass for a short period of time but then the worry and pain smouthers me. My physical pain although wearing on my nerves is still lesser than the emotional pain of losing Bev. The shear pain of not having her to talk to, hear her counsel, touch her, hug her and watch her with Tam is worse today than ever. The pain never subsides I am just learning to live with it.

My anger is still there with the question of why her? Why my love and my boys everything? Why Bev? My anger at idiots and busy bodies could easily boil over and if I did not have Tam I would let it. Why should they be alive and not my beautiful Bev? Why, why, why?

It would have been her birthday soon. 10th September. I have not had any hints as to what she wants for her birthday. She would always lay subtle and not so subtle hints as to what she wanted and at 1 minute past midnight on the 10th should would tell me “you havent wished me happy birthday”. I miss that passion play so much.

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