A journey through grief with autism.

Alan Greenwell

2-Minute Read


Wednesday morning and Tam was on the road to getting off to school and he started to vomit. My mind was whiring. Was he really this anxious. In the months after Bevs death I was having panic attacks where I vomitted, was Tam at the horrible point?

After an hour or so it became more probable that he had a stomach bug. Its Thursday night and I am still of the thought that Tam has had a stomach bug. Why am I faltering on this simple judgement, well its because I am still over focussed on the school problem. I do think it has been a stomach bug as he was sick a few times and spent most of the day laying on the sofa. Today he was lazy and could not be bothered for the first half of the day, but he has perked up at lunch time.

Now I feel that there has been one very telling thing. Since yesterday Tam has not asked once about going to school. Not once have I heard or been asked “going to school tomorrow?”. Now to put that into perspective that question has been asked every evening for the last 3 or 4 years. Maybe 10-20 times a day, everyday (almost). As an example the 6 weeks of summer holiday will have Tam asking the question “going school tomorrow?” every day of the holiday. No matter what we were doing or where we were he would ask that question, over and over again. When the answer was “yes, school tomorrow” he would ask for a kiss and bounce.

Not now. No question yesterday, no question today. None.

I think that is very telling. It has placed the situation very firmally in my mind and I am spending this time trying to come up with a way forward. Couple more days of Tam at home. Back at school on Monday.

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