A journey through grief with autism.

Alan Greenwell

2-Minute Read


Its giftmas day. No decorations no wishing a happy giftmas.

Tam slept pretty bad last night, lots of waking and crying. A couple of minor fights, a few scratches but I did get him back to sleep each time. I managed to have a couple of hours but I spent most of the time watching over Tam. My sleep was interrupted with flash backs and I was finding it hard to settle so I got comfortable in a chair outside Tams bedroom and watched him sleep while trying to read a book.

What we do have right now is a quiet house, fed and watered for now and we are cuddled up watching Spiderman. We are not watching the Marvel Universe ones, we are watching all of the old ones. Its a gift I hid for Tam to find this morning. All of the gifts I hid for him were found in the first 90 seconds. No wrapping paper, no fuss about gifts. With no fuss comes no meltdown. The DVDs were checked out, given to me to digitise and then put away.

I do feel really guilty about the way we have Giftmas. I feel like my beautiful boy is missing out. I feel that Bev would be really disappointed in how we are today. I feel like she is screaming at us right now. No Giftmas dinner, Tam has already asked for pizza.Last night was a bit of a trial, Tam woke up lots crying. Thankfully there was no violent outbursts. All he wanted was cuddles and milk. The pain I feel when I hear him crying for mammy.

I don’t know how many Giftmases will be like this. I don’t know if we will ever have another normal Giftmas. Right now I don’t really care, we miss Mammy and all is quiet.

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