Ghostdogs

Ghostdogs

A journey through grief with autism.

Alan Greenwell

3-Minute Read

Tam

I wrote this ages ago and posted it on a forum about sharing grief. May as well include it here.

Letter to the ones I have lost. Over A very short period of time I have lost the three most important people in my life. With my boy and me left we are finding a way to live life again. At various times I really look for solace or advice from each of them, and yes I do talk to them and imagine what their replies might be.

Anyway I decided I needed to write to them. And this is what I wrote (its not what expected)

I need to speak to the three most important people in my life.
Firstly Dad, god I miss your wisdom and your love. I have so many things that I want to ask you about bringing Tam up. I want to feel your warmth and support that you used to give in the simplest of looks. I want to hear you pull me down just to build me back up so I can get things done.
Mam. I miss your love so deeply. The brightness in your eyes when I would open up to you. The worry while I was explaining what worries me. The conversations about Sydney harbour bridge. I wish I had your counsel right now. I need your insight into how to help Tam.
Lastly my one and only chosen love Bev. Your loss has torn me apart in a way that I will never be the same again. You where everything to me. Everything. You left so quickly and in such a horrible way I cannot ever get over it. One second I am talking to you and keeping our boy calm. And the next moment you are gone. Every waking moment I miss you and worry that I am letting you down. And letting our boy down. I still have not worked out which way to turn. I miss you soo much. We miss you so much.
I am not sure what comes next for me and Tam. I have to work that out. I need to get a plan and from the plan the journey sweetheart. I will find a way to make you proud.
I am not sure what happens after life. If it is just a reorganisation of your atoms then I hope that even just one atom from each of you nestles together in a molecule somewhere and becomes the building block of something new. That would be awesome.

Alan

Take care

Alan and Tam

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