A journey through grief with autism.

Alan Greenwell

3-Minute Read

My Tam

Well it’s the 20th of September today and we have 2 birthdays out of the way (Bevs and mine) with Tams in 4 days.

He will become a teenager officially. Bevs birthday was hard. It feels like the hole she has left in our life ha got bigger not smaller. We keep wrapping an eggshell around the hole she left with a mixture of things we have done, memories we are building but then it cracks. I don’t think this will change. She was one of kind as a partner and as a mother. She is missed more everyday by both Tam and me.

So birthdays are still crap but at least we stay standing. I know my tiny little soul just wanted to curl up and cry but I didn’t. I was busy at hospital instead. Still did not stop me thinking about her all day.

Hospital was not much fun. Need an op for a frozen shoulder. My right shoulder has about 30% of the function it should have. Not a great situation when looking after Tam as he can be unpredictable and he is very strong for his size and age. I have had to come up with all sorts of new techniques to keep him calm but I have also stopped doing certain things with him. I am on the waiting list for the op so all I can do is keep going with the things I am doing.

So, Tams birthday and I have already got loads of things for him. Mostly small pressies that I know he will have fun with. He gets spoiled all year long so I do what I can to make his day the best I can. Still leaves me with an empty feeling that Bev is not here to enjoy it and spoil him as well. I know Tam will be missing Mammy and if it’s anything like last year we will have a lot of tears and asking about Mammy. Part of the process I guess.

School. Tam had a short week and a full week at school. It has gone much better than I was hoping for. In January and February he was having a hard time and I had lost confidence in the school. I was getting reports of Tam having a good day but finding ripped T-shirt’s in his bag with no explanation. After 8 days of a new year I feel like we are back to having great communication and Tam is working well at school. I actually think it has been much harder on me than on him. I had got used to home schooling him and the idea of repeating the situation in January and February was not one I needed or wanted. I did not want to put Tam through that again. The one thing I know about Tam is that he will do what he wants and that will generally be a surprise. So well done my beautiful son, you have made mammy and daddy very proud. Keep it up son.

The next week is going to be tough. Finger crossed for Tam to continue with good behaviour and liking school first. Then I have a few personal things to sort out that I need to get done. I also need to get my tiny brain motivated in doing something that wakes it up and finally I hope to get results from X-ray and blood work from the doctor. All of this is anxiety inducing.

So onwards to Tams birthday. We will make it the best of the day we can and at least have cake and ice cream together.

Stay safe

Alan & Tam

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