Posted on November 14, 2021 • 4 minutes • 642 words
For a while now I have been thinking of taking the website down. Sometimes it acts as a memory of things we have been through and how much of a struggle both me and Tam have had. Other times it is a reminder of how far we have come. Recently if has been more of the former.
A few weeks ago while Tam was in respite he had an incident where on of his carers got hurt and the police had to be called. I got him home and fell apart. He had handcuff bruises and bruises all over his back and arms. As a parent at this point you end up with questions of how to protect him and take away his pain. Dark thoughts, hopelessness. For a while we hunkered down and blocked out the world.
Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t disagree about calling the police. He knocked someone out. They were parked at the side of a very busy road. I know what Tam can be like when he explodes. He is near six foot tall and very powerful and unrelenting when he explodes. They had to restrain him to keep him safe and themselves safe. As a parent seeing your son surrounded by 4-5 police and a few staff by the side of the road is a picture you don’t want to see.
It has taken a few weeks to build myself back up to some form of normal function (starting from a low baseline).
Tam has continued to go to school and he is loving it. Since coming off his drugs he is sleeping better and getting 4-5 hours sleep per night. So 2 massive positives.
So far he has not been back to respite and a part of me is shouting don’t send him back when he is allowed to. I haven’t heard when he can go back so I will deal with it when I have to. I have to say that right now with the conversations I have had about it leads me to the instinct that fuck it. No more respite. I am emotionally on my knees, physically I am on my arse and I don’t have the energy to deal with it. I need all my energy to look after Tam and myself and right now. We will cope without respite, we are having to right now. The other part of me knows that respite is a life line, I need it to be able to gather myself and be able to look after both of us the best I can.
What the future brings we will deal with when we have to. My dad used to say to me that life only gives you what you can cope with. Well, Dad I think life has give me more than that. I am dealing with it but for the sake of sanity I hope it gives us something positive soon.
Oh, I nearly forgot, Tam is really enjoying our walks and takes our cameras everywhere we go. Well he grabs the camera bag and gives it to me to carry while he leads the way. Always wanted to be a photographers assistant! He has taken some great photos and I love his compositions, he has a really good eye for framing. So I have started another website just of photos.
I know I know I started this with the idea that I was going to take the website down and here I am saying we now have two websites.
Well of all the things I do for Tams and my mental health the walks and photography are the most positive, so why not show off the photos we take. I really think that Tam takes great pictures and I hope you do too.
Anyway have a look, it’s at https://ghostdogs.photography