A totally meaningless day on the calendar now, and an attempt at a quite day that did not work. Tam was not in a great mood and everything has wound him up. I am tired and he is feeding off that.
Tam had the afternoon out today. Ian and Percy took Tam out for a run around. I stayed at home to get tidied up. Managed to make time for a bit of kip.
He came back smelling of fresh air. He was fine when he got home and was full of cuddles. That changed later in the evening. Things started to wind Tam up. Little things caused meltdown and screaming fits. He spiralled out of control no matter what I did. Not much rest for either of us.
We managed to get out today. With the help of a careful countdown and a very specific shop we got out for an hour.
Tam has spent a lot of time looking at the memory wall and putting Mammy’s perfume on from his memory box. The flat smells so strongly of Clinique Happy for Women. It’s mixed with some Burberry London which he does not use as much.
He is chilled and I have protected him from as much as I can of what happen 2 years ago today. All day my heart has been thumping away. Missing beats, speeding up slowing down. Its been all over the place. I can hardly bring myself to eat but I have forced myself to sit with Tam and eat with him.
All of my energy today is to hid how I am feeling from Tam. He has his own feeling and thoughts and I don’t want to add my memories or intense sadness to it. Bev has left such a massive hole in our lives, I am trying my best to wrap that hole with good memories for both Tam and me, but that hole she filled so beautifully is so bloody big.
At the time I am writing this I can remember what we were doing 2 years ago. Its been like this all day. Each hour that passes and I pull up the picture in my head as to what happened 2 years ago.
After a bit of a trip Tam has been chilled and happy to sit with me for the last few hours. I hope it stays like that. I am not going to try to get him to bed at any specific time. I am going to let him call the shots. You might think that is bad parenting and you might be right but my boy being chilled and happy doing what he is doing is far more important to me than causing a ruckus with him. We don’t need to be up for anything special so if he decides to sleep at 3am and is chilled until then so be it.
I hope you all had a good giftmas (sorry cannot say the other word) and you spent it with someone important and that you made them feel important.
Alan & Tam