I am going to start off by saying I am nothing special. I am a dad nothing more nothing less. My brain is analytical, it’s good at pattern matching and fire fighting. Give me a bad IT situation and I will find a way to get it back to a good situation. I know I have faults, some major faults and I work on them every day.

Half term is over, respite was a success and the first 2 days at school took place. First day went fine, first night was great. My little lad was full of fun and knackered. He slept well. Second morning went ok but had a lot of tears as I sent him off to school. All however changed tonight.

One of the things I was told early on in this journey was to “be good to yourself”. I was told this by medical professional, social services, friends, Tams teachers. At the time I could not see how to do this and also what difference it would make. I really could not see how to be good to myself. I had no idea.

I don’t know if this is a thing, but whenever I have got myself to a break of more than a few days I always end up sick for the first few days. The last few days at work have been so hectic and then time off and illness. Always seemed to happen, the same thing used to happen to Bev. Not sure other people have the same thing. One thing I do know is Tam has the same reaction.

15th February is the anniversary of my Dad’s death. He is in my heart and mind constantly. Always looking for what he would say or do.

Wednesday morning and Tam was on the road to getting off to school and he started to vomit. My mind was whiring. Was he really this anxious. In the months after Bevs death I was having panic attacks where I vomitted, was Tam at the horrible point?

Tonight my boy is hurting. He has spent most of the night crying.

As parents life is full of worry. It does not matter what kind of child you have its full of worry. The only thing different in being a parent of an autistic child is that you have to decipher each situation. The obvious answer is not always the answer.

Its 5pm on Monday Tams first day back at school since the middle of last week.

Tam like any child with autism that is non verbal (or minimally verbal) is difficult to read. I often describe as “an enigma wrapped in a mystery stuffed in an envelope and packed into a crate”. No matter how I can read some of Tams behaviours and find ways to comfort him there is always a time when every thing I think and every action I take does not work and misses the mark that Tam needs me to find. This is frustrating for both of us.

If anyone dares to tell me that Tams current anxiety and stress is not related to school I think I will end up in the mental hospital. What I am writing took place on Friday afternoon or Saturday. It’s currently 4:11am on Sunday morning and for once we are all calm and quiet.

It’s currently 2:35am and after Tam had been down for a while he woke up crying and asking about school. It has taken about an hour to calm him.