The past few months feels like I have been turning rocks over to find out who I was and who I will be. So far I have found nothing under the rocks that I like or that is useful. I think I have a lot more rocks to look under.
The most important thing for me is that Tam is fit, healthy and safe. Well I have that at least. Part of me thinks anything other than that is not worth bothering with. Another part of me knows that survival and supporting Tam is important. The sway between the two points of view is painful and confusing.
The dark days are so dark because the days of light seeing the smile on Tams face are so bright. The pendulum swings back and forth and I need it to slow down.
It is hard not having Tam around all of the time. It is hard to not be able to just turn around and see his face. It is not an easy place to either get used to or to accept but it is something that I need to get used to and accept. Not sure how things will turn out but at least a positive move has now been made.
It feels horrible to say but, apart we are both safer. Tam after having no incidents for a few months is coping much better and is showing really positive signs of self regulation again. He is safe, and happy, what more can I ask for. Hopes and dreams are useless in comparison to what we have now, especially against what we have had since Bev died.
So for now I turn stones and slog through the mud that is my mental health. The healing road stretches out before me.
So I leave you with some words written by the philosopher, poet, biker and drummer - Neil Peart of Rush.
The future disappears into memory, With only a moment between, Forever dwells in that moment, Hope is what remains to be seen