After a tough day yesterday and difficult sleep Tam was awake at 2am. At first he seemed to be OK and was singing happy birthday at Bev’s memory wall. He ate breakfast and asked for ice cream. He had sang himself croaky over the past few days so I asked for us to sit and watch something together with ice cream. Although he was all up tight he pulled me to sit next to him with his bowl of icecream and we watched some Youtube videos of DVD collections. All was well but a little tense.

Then the bubble broke and Tam just started to throw things around. He tore the photos off the wall in a split second and threw them about. I had to just keep back and intervene when he was getting himself into a place where he might get hurt. After an hour or so I managed to get him calmed down and we both had a cry about Mammy not being with us. Tense, but a more positive situation. Tam was pressing my throat and asking for Mammy story. So I kept telling him Mammy stories. We cried some more and Tam asked to tidy up.

So after a cup of tea we tidied up and I gave some meds to help him. 6am and he wanted to go back to bed. Within 20 minutes he was asleep.

I was awoken a couple of hours later to Tam screaming for Mammy. He was still asleep and I sat next to him to stop him falling off his bed. I have always wanted to wake Tam in these situations but I was advised to let it play out. For what seemed like forever but was only half and hour he screamed and thrashed in his nighmare. When he woke he was so disorientated. He had no idea where he was or what was happening.

Roll on a few hours and a few more out bursts and new photos printed, frames repaired or replaced and the memory wall is back in place. Tam was very sheepish about it but I got a smile when they were all done. Positive step.

Another year gone, Bev missed more than ever by Tam and me. The pain is just as strong and the heartbreak just as harsh as it has been for the last years.

Alan

Dad and Broken Human. (click the envelope to reach out)